Psychology Video: How To Spot An Emotionally Unavailable Partner | Male Personality Types In DatingThose who dream of intimacy, draws to those whom she scares. Violently defending their independence attract those who constantly invades their personal space. It does not sound very logical, but it is inherent in us. What makes us fall in love with emotionally inaccessible partners and is there a chance to change this? Says psychologist Kylie Benson.
A PHOTO Getty images
- If we evaluate ourselves negatively, then we find comfort in relations with those who perceive us in the same way.
- You can meet partners who use one of three strategies in communication: safe, manipulative and avoiding.
- Emotionally inaccessible partners make up the majority in the "dating market" and seem to us more attractive for certain reasons.
Attachment is like a big alarm button in our brain. When life goes on as usual, there is no need for it. We make cakes, collect bouquets of leaves, play catch-up. Or we meet with friends, make plans, go to work and enjoy every day.
But something bad is happening: we fall and break the knee.School bully pushes us - and we drop lunch on the floor. The boss threatens to be fired. This negative experience creates anxiety and anxiety, and anxiety, in turn, activates our emergency button.
And she sends a signal: to seek intimacy. We find those relationships that support us - or rather, what we think about ourselves. And this is a paradox: attachment, without which we would hardly have survived as a child, begins to play a cruel joke with us. If we evaluate ourselves negatively, then we find comfort precisely in relations with those who value us the same way.
THREE STRATEGIES IN RELATIONS
The attachment that we had for mothers in childhood dictates one of three strategies in a relationship.
1. Healthy strategy (safe attachment)
According to research by psychologists, this strategy is used by no more than 50%. Such people easily converge and communicate with others. They do not feel inconvenience when someone depends on them, and they themselves are not afraid of losing their freedom. They perceive others and themselves positively. If something does not suit the partner in a relationship, they are always ready for a dialogue.
2. Manipulative strategy (anxious attachment)
These people are looking for maximum intimacy in a relationship. Their ideal is a complete merger. Often worried that the partner does not love them enough, they are afraid to be alone.
People of this type underestimate themselves and put others on a pedestal, do everything to meet the expectations of people significant to them. Unusually addictive, they are constantly looking for external confirmation of their own values, because they themselves do not feel it.
3. Leave Me Alone Strategy (Avoiding Type)
They feel uncomfortable in a close relationship, do not like to depend on others, and prefer that no one depends on them. Having experienced firsthand that intimacy brings only suffering, striving for independence and self-sufficiency.
Such people themselves are perceived over-positive, and the rest - negatively. They seek to use the insecurity of overly affectionate people in order to further strengthen their superiority.
THE DECISION OF THE PROBLEM ALREADY IS IN CONDITION
If we carefully study these three strategies - as we once read in the school, the condition of the problem - it becomes clear that all our further meetings and sufferings are already "given" in them.
People with the last two types of attachment are pulling each other, although it is clear that their relationship is doomed to be destructive. More importantly, they will reject the partner until he changes the positive attitude towards them to the one they expect from him.
And what about people with the first type of affection? They are looking for people with the same healthy, safe type of affection.
It would seem, why it is impossible for the second or third type to meet with the first? Such meetings occur, but such people do not experience mutual attraction, interest that can hold them together.
What to do? First of all, understand the type of your affection. This is the key to finding and keeping a relationship if you have failed before.
What to do? First of all, understand the type of your affection. This is the key to finding and keeping a relationship if you have failed before. If you continue to meet "those who are not," the main reason is still in you.
So why do we fall in love with emotionally inaccessible partners?
1. Emotionally inaccessible people dominate the "dating market"
Such people are extremely independent, successfully suppress their emotions, which means they can easily cool down to their partner and end the relationship - and here they are again among those who are looking for their mate.
People with a safe type of attachment do not start a series of long meetings and searches. Sensing the very "chemistry", they decide that the partner is suitable for them, and tune in to long-term relationships. That is why they are the hardest to find - they rarely enter the dating market, and when they come out, they stay on it for a short time and immediately "settle down" in new relationships.
Emotionally inaccessible people almost never meet the same as themselves: none of them has a desire to invest emotionally in a relationship
In addition, emotionally inaccessible people almost never meet the same as themselves: none of them has a desire to emotionally invest in a relationship.
If you put all the elements of the puzzle together, it turns out that the probability of meeting an emotionally inaccessible partner is very high. At the same time, they do not make a relationship with each other, because they need space and independence, they don’t meet people with healthy, safe attachment, because such people do not stay in the market for a long time - so who do they attract? Alas, partners with an anxious type of affection who crave extreme closeness.
2. We find them very attractive.
We often do not realize that the partners with whom we are obsessed are those who can only increase our deep insecurity. It is our ideas about love that attract special partners to us.
At an early stage of the relationship, an "independent", emotionally inaccessible partner sends mixed signals: he calls, but not always, does not hide his sympathy, but also makes it clear that he is still in search.
This tactic is quite advantageous: receiving an obscure contradictory message, a "needy" partner with an anxious type of affection becomes obsessed with relationships. Friends, hobbies, interests and careers fade into the background.
3. In the emotionally accessible partners, we lack the "fire"
Let's imagine that we were lucky and we met a person whose childhood was simple and calm, and the view of the world is just as simple and open. Will we understand that we have won the lottery, or will we decide that something is missing in our relations with such a person?
Emotionally accessible partners do not act out the inaccessibility or, on the contrary, do not throw everything at our feet in order to conquer us. In their world simply does not exist mysterious omissions and suspense, anxious waiting.
Next to such a person, we are calm, and we do not believe that he is the only one, because "nothing happens" - because our emotions are not inflated, which means that we are bored
Next to such a person, we are calm, and we do not believe that he is the only one, because "nothing happens," because our emotions are not inflated, which means that we are bored. And because of this, we pass by truly wonderful people.
The ups and downs, doubts and enthusiasm and constant waiting in relationships with emotionally inaccessible people should not be mistaken for passion or love. It looks very similar, but believe me, this is not it. Do not let them captivate you. And, no matter how difficult, work to understand the mechanisms of attraction that are inherent in our childhood. Believe it is possible. And emotionally healthy relationships can bring much more happiness.
Kylie Benson (Kyle Benson) - a family psychologist and consultant, his site kylebenson.net.