Psychology Video: Father I place into Your hands.Experts repeat: a good mother should allow a man to fully fulfill their role. How to make it not become secondary?
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More and more modern women, without marriage, give birth to children "for themselves" and at that moment when they want it. And, although a man has the right to communicate with the child, to bring him up, mothers often deny him that.
Often, even when parents live together, the father also practically does not participate in family life. "As a rule, such a dad works a lot, children rarely see him," says child psychoanalyst Anna Skavitina. "They get an idea of what male behavior is from mom - and it’s certainly not accurate." At the other extreme are families in which the father performs all the maternal functions. The child has two mothers, as it were, and again not a single father. "For a baby under one year old, this doesn’t matter much," Anna Skavitina continues. "But if the situation persists further, then the child’s perception of male behavior will also be distorted." Girls who grew up without fathers do not know how to communicate with young people, and boys grow up infantile.
"A child without a father is like a house without a roof," says Buddhist wisdom. Children need a father - it does not matter whether he is near or not, he is a good or bad person, and even he is alive or dead ... "Personality is formed as a result of relations with both parents," explains psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. "Dad may not be perfect, but he must take his place in the child’s life." What prevents this and how to achieve it?
By his presence, the father symbolically "cuts the umbilical cord", giving the child the opportunity to separate from the mother in order to build his own world step by step.
The father leads the child to meet the unknown, teaches to explore their capabilities. He introduces him to the world, which does not always take into account our desires, and thus destroys the children's illusion of his own omnipotence.
Relationship with the father plays an important role in the sexual identification of a teenager. The boy identifies himself with his father or opposes himself to him; the girl for whom the father is the first man, looking at her with love and interest, receives confirmation of her femininity.
Upset the balance
Allowing a father to fully interact with children is not such an easy task for most moms. "For some women, motherhood is the only area in which they can show their absolute competence and feel respect in return," says Alexander Orlov. - Therefore, they involuntarily reject or constantly criticize any help and participation of men. Many are sincerely convinced that only the mother knows and feels that it’s really good for the child. " But this is certainly not the case. "The father gives the child warmth and love, but one should not expect that he will behave in the same way as the mother," says the existential psychotherapist Marina Khazanova. "Give him the opportunity to do it his way."
"Once a week, my daughter spends the whole day with her father," says Albina, 30, the mother of 2-year-old Ksyusha. - At first I was very nervous: he forgot to feed her in time, I didn’t walk until lunchtime, but when I wanted to. But still, I began to notice that in each "papa" day my daughter learned to do something new: either stir the sugar in the tea, or pronounce the difficult letter. And I calmed down, I began to trust him more. "
- Michael Epstein. Paternity. Metaphysical diary. Aletheia, 2003.
- Donald Winnicott. Talk with parents. Class, 1995.
- Simon Soloveitchik. Pedagogy for all. The first of September, 2000.
Turn on immediately
Many modern fathers try very hard: go to the preparation courses for childbirth, are present with them, some even take them from their wives. "All this contributes to the establishment of kinship with the child," says psychotherapist Anna Skavitina. - But not all men are ready to take delivery and masterly change diapers. It is not necessary. " Holding a child, talking with him, playing, bathing him is enough to understand him better. "It’s important not what a man does, but his feelings and emotions at this moment," adds Marina Khazanova. Often, father needs support in order to learn how to cope with a new role, to feel that his relationship with a child is valuable in its own right, and not only as an aid to a tired mom.
There are women who find it unpleasant to see how dad is "messing around" with a newborn, it seems to them that at this moment he is losing ... a share of his masculinity. "Is it possible to say:" Oh, how bravely you braided your daughter of a pigtail! "? - says Oleg, 32, the father of three children."My wife and I just shared the responsibilities of caring for children, but there is nothing that she would do and what I could not do, except for breastfeeding, of course."
Be able to in their own way
"My wife is sure that I cannot understand what the doctor will say at the clinic or her son’s teacher," said Sergei, 36. "At the same time, she constantly reproaches me that I have little interest in his affairs." That is, if I take the initiative, it is obviously unsuccessful, and if I don’t, I am an egoist and a worthless father. I can’t imagine how to find a way out of this situation. "
10% of those who participated in the survey on our website www.psychology2019.com, are confident that the father can take care of the children only with the constant monitoring and prompts of the woman. Waiting for help from her husband, not many are ready to fully share with him the responsibility for the child's life. It’s more usual to think that he will not understand anything, will mess him up, will forget. Both tradition and "support" of specialists are strong. "Warn your wife that Sasha hasn’t slept today (he ate poorly, broke the machine ...)," the teachers 30-year-old Sergei regularly say when he comes to the kindergarten for his son.
At a psychologist's reception, mothers often complain that their husbands do not perform fatherly functions.But it is necessary to delve into the situation - and it turns out that women reproach men for not fulfilling completely defined (mother) functions. "A man feels that he is being used as a babysitter; "There is no question of any division of responsibility," Alexander Orlov comments. "In order for the father to feel completely involved in the process of upbringing, the woman will have to accept the fact that he has his own opinion on this issue and has to be considered with him."
Good, not ideal
At the beginning of family life, a woman often sees in her husband an ideal father for her own children. And if his behavior does not fit into the invented image, she is disappointed. But the models of "good fatherhood" are much more than we think. Perhaps the father does embarrassingly change the diapers of his newborn daughter, but he is perfectly able to play with his one-year-old son; he does not read aloud to the children, but he speaks to them about the most important. "The ideal father" is just as dangerous an illusion as the "ideal mother," says Marina Khazanova. "It prevents both women and men from seeing the valuable things that actually exist in each of us, no matter what role we are in."
And if the father refuses to communicate with the child or is too far from ideal? Psychoologies are answered by psychoanalyst Anna Skavitina.Psychologies: Some fathers admit that after a divorce they lose interest in children ...Anna Skavitina: Divorce is a very painful procedure. Sometimes the easiest way to reduce pain is to convince yourself that the former partner was a monster. And then unconscious mechanisms of depreciation are activated. The mother unconsciously does much to make the father feel alienation not only from her, but also from the children, in order to show herself that the ex-husband is a terrible person, that he does not need children. In the soul of a man, similar processes occur, he also "devalues" his ex-wife, and with her, children.What should be done?It is useful for mom to remember that once she decided to have children with this person — her ex-husband — then there is something good in him. This thought will help her to separate her relationship with him from the relationship of their common child with their father, who is not a "former".And if the father disappears altogether from the life of children?Nevertheless, they should know that dad was in their life.That he is a man with his own habits, that he likes, for example, for breakfast, eggs, listens to jazz or loves cars. Do not be afraid to talk with children about their father, no matter what he is - you need to trust children’s feelings and mind more and give children the opportunity to decide for themselves what kind of person their father is ..How to maintain communication if the father and the child live separately and cannot see each other often?Distance is not a problem if the child feels the presence of the father on a psychological level. A telephone is a great way to maintain relationships, provided that the mother does not comment on the conversation and does not put the child to sleep with questions as soon as he hangs up. The father should play an independent role, and the mother should not be an intermediary between him and the child.
Prepared by Vita Malygina